In the throws, I'm barley treading water. It's Sunday after 8:00 pm and I'm finally loading the breakfast (and lunch) dishes into the dishwasher. A pot of water is on the stove waiting for me to start cooking dinner. I sneak away from the meal prep to pack my laptop and files in preparation for work that starts in less than 10 hours. From the office I hear the water on the stove start to bubble and overflow like an angry volcano. Ugh, another mess to clean up.
Dinner is cooked. Our son is safely tucked into bed with a zoo-quantity of stuffed animals surrounding him. My husband and I collapse on the couch with our dinner plates. We are bone-tired and the workweek is looming.
Monday morning comes, my thoughts and tears flow as one:
I am missing everything.
I want a weekend re-do.
I messed everything up.
I wished I focused more on him and less on the things I had to get done around the house.
Why do we even have to eat? Cooking takes so much time and makes a huge mess.
I wish I sat on the floor and played with him more.
I need more time.
It is not enough.
Recently for me being a career mama is all about treading water and full of regrets come Monday. The weekend checklists are long and somehow have become the main focus. But the heartbreak that rolls around with each Monday morning is not worth it. I'd rather have time with my boy in a dirty house if it erased the guilt and sadness each Monday morning. Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.
Of course there was time spent with him, but the time not spent looms a little higher and darker. I am realizing it is easier to focus on the misses than wins. So I am going to be trying an experiment — I'm going to attempt a return to the blog world in a more consistent manner. It will be my way of reminding myself of the good in the midst of the hard — and a momento of the time we do spend together.
For my fellow career mamas, you are not alone in your struggles — I am treading water next to you. Let's keep reminding one another to focus on the positive, to spend more time playing on the floor — who cares that the floor we are sitting on needs mopped. The days are long, but the years are painfully short. And don't forget to hug your cutie a bit longer at bedtime tonight, I know I will be!